I just wanna say..I'm sorry to hurt you.

 At this point, I can no longer write in my mother language. The english is my first save world. When I was a kid, I often escaped from the real world with this techniqe. They did not let me be in silence, so I choose to learn a language what they couldn't understand. I always talked to myself in the mirror, and it felt so comfortable. 

After all these years, I use this techniqe a lot. I have friends who accept this type on communication from me, because my silence can be so drastic. However that would be the best option for me. Sometimes I'm not good in coping. I had a lots of silent treatmant as a child or being in a relationship. Sometimes I used it on others to punish them, because I want them to feel the exact hurt like I am. I was never good in conflicts. I always feel attacked, and get angry and fight with such a cruel style. I hate this part of me. 

In the last few weeks, I lost myself completely. I hate winter. I hate the holidays. I hate myself rigt now. Hurt myseld to be punished is one thing. I always did it at my lowest point, but hurt someone who is good for me, and try to make me better is an another thing. A more serious thing. Looking back, and see how I behaved. It makes me sick. Am I really this bad person? Is this the original type of me, or what is going on? How did I get there? We had a little fight. Was it a fight? No, it was a curved mirror from you, and I couldn't handle the truth what You are actually showed me, about myself. So, I ignored you. I didn't want, but I can no longer control my darkness. I'm drowning so much, and pull you down to. I think you realized, that I'm not that kind girl anymore, whom you met the first time. You told me if someone doesn't want to be saved, they van't be.

And now, You finally get it. So You just let me be in there. Is it hurt me? Yes, definitely. However, this is the only thing what I would do too. So, I'm sorry, and thank you for your trying, I really appreciate that. 

So, it's time to say goodbye. Take care of Yourself, and never change, cause You were one of the best person in my life.